it is my own heart i need to deal with. the things that get to us most, and the ways that we react to situations reflect the contents of our hearts. how often do we feel inner turmoil without knowing why? i know that i desire, am disappointed, and becoming aware of how great my disappointment, feel a further sadness within myself because i see again the sinful, self-centred person that i am. unfortunately most often it spirals into a self-centred moroseness, wholly unjustified, but perfectly natural.

James says be glad that the Lord is a jealous God! be glad that He will not rest until we are satisfied only in Him! be glad indeed! how hard! my prayers for him to relieve me of the struggle within are not aimed at loving Him more, but at providing me with relief from fear and anxiety, not directed at his Kingdom, but a bargain for a small piece of mine.

1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

if u sit behind a desk most of your waking hours, or work in government or bureaucracy, you will identify with at least some things this article has to say. it’s a bit long, but an easy read, and worth it.

this video make me happy for some reason, i’m not sure what. apart from making me want to go for a really long run, perhaps the music and the mood of the yellow man and his good attitude lifted my spirits.
http://www.onwards.tv/

a lot has happened in the world even as i stumble along. mr selamat is in custody once more, the flu alert here has been downgraded, and more than half the banks stress-tested need more funds (like WTF). Oil settled above $58 while the the poor Sri Lankans were caught in cross-fire, North Korea gets up to its usual antics and the storm sweeps along to the Philippines.

as i sit here in my cave, with my cat using my foot as a pillow, i know that in fact nothing has changed. my task is to love Him better, and amid the tumult of daily living and all the talk about ambition, self-fulfilment and success, i have forgotten this. last night i even found it hard to talk to him. between now and those saturday afternoons years ago, really nothing has changed. the choice is whether to know him more, and whether to spend my resources with him has my Lord.

i hope i don’t sound too sad, because i’m really not. it’s humbling to be reminded, but i’m glad to be. mel has always reminded me to not be consumed by my own desires, to remember the Lord and to do my best in his sight. so we walk on. whether i decide to bake that chocolate cake, write my mum a card for tmr, or go for a really long run, i know that his eye is on me and he loves me, and i will do so under his watch.

sugar laden

i feel a sudden urge to be industrious. perhaps that explains the bread and butter pudding last week, this week, my favourite dessert of all time, the sticky toffee date pudding. i am in the middle of a job change again. it doesn’t feel like so many posts ago when i was in the previous one. pretty shocking for someone who thought he would finish in the same place, and move on to that something else. my horizons have indeed expanded. they are now wider and scarier. the possiblities of ending badly are more real, and definitely more accessible.

i will be joining a reinsurance brokerage after Easter Sunday; i know very little about the work. once again i am thankful for you who walked with me through this time. it has been very hard for you; perhaps just as hard as it has been for me.

i am glad that this hiatus has given me time to mend one friendship and consolidate others. it has also given the mistress of bandit more time to hang with me. i am certain i don’t value these things enough, but i am making an effort to make the most of the time that we now have.

so if anyone feels like some sticky date pudding, please call. if the risotto we plan to eat soon turns out well, you will be sure to hear more of my industriousness.

pride is such a green devil, the ego is so very egotistical. fortunately (or not), we have the people who are close to us, who know us so well they see how pathetic our answers are when questioned. They see how weak we are, how afraid we are.

thanks for coming by

ok yea i just woke up

cats say happy birthday

at the barrage

happy birthday!